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The Church of Immaculate Consumption

Comrades,

We have previously discussed on this here blog the dangers associated with extreme forms of radical atheism. Today, I wish to elaborate on a more sinister danger lurking behind the assumption that atheism is a precondition for any claim to intelligence. Because comrades, the suggestion that we are now living in a perfectly reasonable society in which hilarious sounding notions like ” the great juju in the bottom of the sea” struggle to take hold against the human capacity to reason obscures the real danger. Namely, the rising threat of “The Church of Immaculate Consumption”.

If Richard Dawkins’ teenage fanboys are really so concerned about living in a society that’s governed by ‘reason’ they really should be more concerned about Andrew Lansley, the Secretary of State for Health getting loaded on the money he made from flogging Mcdonald’s, Mars bars and Pizza Hut. Same tosser is also after privatizing the NHS, and handing over the labour initiated anti-obesity campaign to the secure hands of business. Naturally, any fanboy of Richard reading this in between composing new and original slurs to insult religion and it’s believers through the highly distinguished medium of discussion forums, masturbating, and spending their pocket money on acne products will realise the errors of their ways and direct their attention on the more insidious threat of the almighty Church of Consumption.

Now, I predict imbeciles of all shades and colours will jump up and down going: “Buut uncle joeee LOL laik religin and buying thingz hav like ntohing in common xDxD ROFL. U r jus laik using big words like ‘consnumpition’ w/e to confuse uz lolololol”.

Thankfully, your brave uncle Joe is not one to be disarmed by such outstanding displays of idiocy. Hence I will presume to educate and enlighten you, my sweet children about the phenomenon of advertising. Let us first look at what anthropologist Alfred Gell has to say about ‘magic’:

Magic is possible because intentions cause events to happen in the vicinity of the agents, but this is a different species of causation from the kind of causation involved in the rising and setting of the sun, or the falling of Newton’s apple etc. So, whatever the verdict of physics, the real causal explanation for why there are any boiling eggs is that I, and other breakfasters, intend that boiled eggs should exist.

So whatever the verdict of physics, the reason why we buy junk is because some corporate cunt intended for us to do so. Any halfwit who believes that we are living ‘in a reasonable society old chap’ needs to get their heads out of their arse urgently! Any society in which men purchase, or even CONSIDER to purchase a piece of sponge in the vain hope that this will make them more attractive to the opposite sex is nowhere near ‘reasonable’. Take the ‘clean your balls with Axe’ advertisement. The youtube video for this advertisement dribbled like corporate slime all over social media. Smeared by brainless frat boys who only need to hear the word ‘balls’ uttered by a mildly attractive woman, to be mesmerised and reach for the nearest lubricant.

I do not intend to give a lecture here about the objectification of women or the stereotyping of black men and their ‘ball sacks’. Instead I will just quote some of the comments made by youtube users to illustrate my point.

HOLY CRAP THATS SO F**KING HILLARIOUS ” can you clean my ballsak” hahahahaha

AwesomeSauce2359

So they actually clean…balls? Like ball balls? These hos musta been paid ALOT.

SparkWolf13

i love how the black guy has the biggest sack

xxx32AwEsOmE32xxx

To be fair, full quotations are not even necessary. One only needs to have a brief look at the amount of creativity that has gone into coming up with names like “xxx32AwEsOmE32xxx” to get an idea of the rampant idiocy plaguing contemporary society.

To put the phenomenon in more scientific terms, essentially what we are doing is trying to replace our spiritual cravings with charms and talismans of a new kind. Here are some of the products of different religions displayed for comparative purposes

Islam: Responsible for the conversion of the Byzantine Cathedral into a Mosque. Hagia Sophia has come to represent tolerance and co-habitation ever since.

Christianity: inspired countless artists into making masterpieces to reflect their devotion to God.

Malanggan: Has ensured a system elaborate funerary rites that has served as the basis for the fair distribution of the deceased's possessions.

The Church of Immaculate Consumption: Has given us the 'Axe Detailer' trademark so we can clean our 'ballsacks' and fuss about our sexual inadequacy.

If you are still not convinced that advertising is pushing the boundaries of unreasonable behavior to unprecedented lows. Here is the most terrifying advertisement of all!

In fact this is so infuriating, it paralyses even my nerves of steel! From the sleazy looking geezers to phallically ascending beer glasses and the subservient ‘woman in white’ who’s only function in this ‘ideal bank’ seems to be constrained to massaging guests and quite possibly faking orgasms at the drop of a hat.

Anyone who has not been living in a cave the past few years already knows that we are currently swimming in shit, precisely because banks like Carlsberg have been coaxing every swinging dick to borrow more than they can pay back. The twist of irony is that the bank manager decides 50 grand is not going to be enough to make this sack of shit ‘popular’ and ends up handing over 25k more than he asked. The next time they will see each other is of course after the acquisition of his property.

I want to end this lecture with some compulsory viewing:

Kind Regards,
Uncle Joe


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